i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
