She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
