Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
