It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
