i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
