I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
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His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
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And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
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