Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
