DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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