saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
