If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
