I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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