my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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