Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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