The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
