I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
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He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night