Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead