the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...