the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
