My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Randomize
