awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Randomize
