____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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