I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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