My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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