...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
