I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
