you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
