Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
