Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
