I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
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It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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