just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
