I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
