Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
