I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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