For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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