I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
