he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
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