At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
