i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
