Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize