I think I died a long time ago.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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