Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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