I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
