Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
My vagina just clenched in fear
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
