um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
