he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
