Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
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and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
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I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize