trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
