hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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