I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
