I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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