I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
false alarm, still single
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