I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
