I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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