In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
