I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
