2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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