I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
