I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
