my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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